To strive to become a selfmaster is to develop the ability to simply observe our feelings and emotions without identifying with them. I seem to get defensive a lotwhenever someone at work criticizes me or suggests how i could have done better, whenever my husband makes a request of me that implies that im not doing a good enough job as a wife, whenever my. She gets sad and i feel guilty, so i get defensive to keep. We understand that the defensive person is protesting a little too strongly against something he or she doesnt want to admit is. Why am i so angry all the time 11 possible reasons. Curious questions one option is to ask curious, innocent, and neutral questions to understand accurately what the other person means, believes, or feels. Stop being so defensive this is a common response to a defensive person, and perhaps a response you have even used. So if you want to be a better leader, stop being defensive or going on the attack when someone questions you or challenges a decision you made this works at home as well as at work.
But there are a number of ways that defensiveness can manifest itself in human behavior. Today we are challenging you stop being so defensive. You can listen on your computer or device or via our free app which you can access when you have completed your purchase. Obsessing with hidden meanings is a surefire way to miss the point. At which point i will either end the conversation, or in the event that i am unable to like my boss is talking to me i simply yesno then until they grow tired of speaking.
So when his wife, suzanne, tells him, you have to make sure the kids have dinner cooked before you go to the gym, he responds with, stop acting like my mother. Three keys to avoiding being defensive wired to grow. This often happens as im walking them through our fullview 360degree feedback instrument, when they see a particular rating or comment that pushes their buttons. Telling someone stop being defensive essentially is like saying i just want to talk at you, i dont want to engage in a discussion. Being too guarded and secretive having problems with. If someone is giving you criticism dont immediately go on the attack, really listen before responding. You can have the relationship you want and fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect. Or make a mark on a pocket notebook so you can see how youre doing. One of the best things you can do to stop being defensive in your relationship is to work on you.
We feel so burdened with shame and guilt already, a lovers further. I have wanted to do something about it for a long time, but i figured that in order to stop being so defensive, id have to do something drastic, like stop caring about what other people think. Almost everyone understands the basic concept of psychological defense mechanisms. The problem is that were all defensive a fair amount of the time, although we may be better able to observe defensiveness in other people. Once were in defensive or reactive mode we cant take in new information or see two sides of an issueor better yet, seven or eight sides. When you have a good selfesteem and are confident that you are smart, kind, and a good partner you may not fly off the handle when your spouse questions something that you did or said. What follows is a short guide to reversing out of defensive moods for the. Why people get defensive in relationships the book of life is the brain of the school.
Being too guarded and secretive having problems with selfdisclosure shy, awkward people are sometimes overly guarded and secretive. It has become easy for me to identify when my response to a situation is irrational due to all of my underlying insecurities weighing in. Reattracting your wife 101 stop being so defensive good guys. How to stop being defensive even when you feel attacked you intended to have a loving, respectful conversation with your partner. Throw up a wall, rebut the statement, and accuse the other person of the same complaint. I did not learn anything to help me stop being defensive. Dont berate your partner for being too quiet, or continuously ask, what are you thinking. If people would just stop being so confrontational, we might think, it would be easy to not be defensive. I wrote a free ebook to help men learn how to lose their. How to stop being defensive in close relationships.
A person with a defensive spirit is excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of cr. Free from the stronghold of defensiveness christianblessings. Reattracting your wife 101 stop being so defensive. One of the reasons we get so frustrated with defensive people is we try to deal with. Stop psychoanalyzing every word choice your partner makes and be more present in the moment so you can notice the message behind their tone, physical presence, and posture. Defensive behavior can be a complex and murky issue. How to stop being defensive in close relationships the next time the opportunity to know anothers experience presents itself, try out what it feels like to listen without strategizing to keep yourself positively positioned without defending the story of who you are and what you have or have not done. Download stop being defensive below and enjoy the world becoming a friendlier place. But in the long term, it undermines us and our relationships. At one time or another, weve all said or been told, stop being so defensive. Using sarcasm excessively can make a person seem disingenuous, passive aggressive, and callous. After all, feelings and emotions come, go and change but our. To be defensive is to react with an overprotective mentality so a situation that perhaps doesnt warrant it.
That sounds great, but its an awfully tall order for most of us and not a realistic option for me. In my work as an executive coach, i find myself in situations where the people im coaching become defensive. When you are no longer defensive your life will be so much freer and easier and youll be able to focus on whats really important. The first section of the book identifies the signs you are becoming defensive, the second part elaborates and helps you explore your subconscious to discover why you are really becoming defensive.
There might be affiliate links on this page, which means we get a. The compulsive need to be right stems from the belief that ones selfworth is directly linked to being right and convincing others of this. We react to different stimuli in different ways, and the same goes when we are being defensive. Alisa valdes gives you tips to help you stop being defensive when you cant seem to help it.
One likely explanation is that youre becoming defensive without even realizing it. Defensiveness is a gut reaction to feeling alone or criticized. Being in an argument or receiving criticism from another person truly sucks. Getting defensive helps us protect our character and our sense of competence. I found the book to be very heavy with theory and while there were examples of the different. And as mentioned earlier, some peoples defensiveness is so deeply rooted in. So, if it is so instinctual, how can we control it. About four years ago, i had no idea how to communicate without being defensive. If its a habit for you, its definitely worth taking the time to change it. People tend to take this need to be right very far to actually end up ignoring completely the pursue of tr.
Being angry all the time is a terribly draining way to live as well. No one likes to feel like they are being used by someone else. Alternatively, go grab a copy of my science of selfhypnosis book. Sometimes we even get defensive with ourselvesits our personal spin control. Here are 14 reasons why you might be so angry all the time. Being an emotionally reactive person causes so much pain, bitterness and isolation in our lives when we allow emotions to rule and affect us.
Free from the stronghold of defensiveness written by christian author, pola muzyka. In a couple, our partner may not literally be searching for an axe when they ask. If they just stopped attacking us over the phone, in emails, or in meetings, there would. Other people find it hard to be around a defensive person. Why people get defensive in relationships the book of life. Your defensiveness is killing your relationships and you dont even realize it. Being less defensive and reactive june 1, 2003 neil rosenthal defensiveness, shame 1 comment dear neil. Defensiveness is killing your relationships how to. On the road to learning how to stop being controlling, i tried to make modifications, tried to be more subtle and even thought i was improving at times. After a few more defensive statements, braden shuts down. The book identifies the styles of communicating we use, what sets us up to be defensive, provides examples on what being defensive looks like and also how to rectify it.
Defensiveness is killing your relationships how to recognize it. Very defensive people tend to remain unfulfilled because they fail to spot opportunity. If anything you feel like other people always get you going and you feel cornered into defending yourself or your position. When everyone is talking about more personal subjects theyre good at hanging back and not contributing, changing the subject, taking the attention off them, giving vague, evasive answers, or deciding nows the. I share an exercise to help you calm down and stop being defensive. But instead of going straight into attack mode, there are ways to help you stop being defensive while learning how to communicate well with others. So today, lets look at five ways to regulate your mood and stop getting defensive.
How to stop being defensive even when you feel attacked. Theres no more common response to a partners remarks than to find oneself in a defensive mood. Defensive behavior usually stems from a perceived threat. In the moment, getting defensive can feel like the only way to cope with threat. Being defensive doesnt mean you are a bad person who loves to argue. How to stop being defensive fight or flight response youtube. If you are struggling with a relationship where an individual is defensive, it may be helpful to understand why they are behaving that way, then work towards an anecdote to the defensiveness to continue to grow the relationship. Maybe you feel like you arent doing anything wrong but are sick of always feeling the urge to argue back. This is a kind of emotional crossed wires situation. Often times it is used when a person feels angry, distrustful, or frustrated, but cannot find the courage to speak. Thats a classic defensive response to a piece of feedback.
That is to say that often when people feel defensive, they have presented a version of themselves that is not entirely accurate and they. We both love each other, i just make the relationship horrible. Id always just assumed it was my right to know what so and so thought about me. You can start by practicing powerful, effective communication. Defensiveness makes it impossible to truly know our partner or be known. Do you get defensive so that your spouse doesnt see how you really feel inside. Knowing we are being defensive is of course the first step, so then to seek out a book which i must say, the topic is rare. How to stop being defensive fight or flight response duration. If this isnt enough, try wearing a rubber band on your wrist and giving yourself a little snap when you let a sarcastic comment fly. Bradens heart races at the thought of suzanne bringing up a complaint during their state of the union meeting. Second, try to use more yielding language, meaning words and phrases that help you.
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